And so it goes

Another year coming close to an end. It seems like just yesterday we were starting 2013!

I’m not going to lie, right about now I am kinda wishing I wasn’t signed up to go to a yoga class at 10:30pm to ring in the new year.  I know I only feel like this now because I would like to take a nap (I was up later than my normal bedtime due to deciding to back up and restore my iPhone last night before bed:-/).  I know that I will be grateful I signed up and feel even more awesome after class, especially since it is exactly how I wanted to spend my new year’s eve.  I called it into happening and it is happening.   I will be with my good friend, I will be surrounded by people who made the same choice for themselves and I will bring in my new year calm, clear, confident and open to receive; these are the things I am meditating and practicing on. These are the qualities I want to make stronger and have more of a presence in my life.  2014 –  THIS is the year!!! I did say this last year, but I have learned recently that if you manifest something  with your HEART over your MIND, it may be more likely to happen 🙂

I must confess, new year’s eve brings about a decent amount of anxiety for me; time passing so quickly has always caused some worry for me.  I tend to fast forward to 6 months from now, when I will turn yet another chronological year older and I think about some of the things (having children,  “oh my god, she’s still single?!”, “she’s getting older” and other ideas) that society, friends and/or family might be thinking.  As it turns out, on some level, or at least some part of me is having these thoughts.  I don’t like them.  Hell, most of me doesn’t even care about what I am “supposed” to be doing.  It is not anyone else’s life.  IT is mine.  And as my Grandma so flatly pointed out: I have a nice little life.  I have a  job and can take care of myself and my dog.  I own a home.  I travel to places I want to go.  I spend my money on whatever I like with no judgment or opinion from someone else.   I have fantastic friends and family.  I take damn good care of myself and I am happy.  I am ENJOYING my life (with a small side of anxiety from time to time- must be genetic;-)  Now more than ever, all of the above (especially the happy part) are true and feel REAL good.  That’s not to say I never have a bad day and think that the whole world is shit and I want to have a tantrum.  It’s also not to say I still don’t have work to do, aspects of myself I would like to improve upon, like calmness; and realizing that some things I thought I needed, I just don’t need as much of, like time alone.  I enjoy being alone, I spend a lot of time with myself- in the car (for work), at home, I even practice yoga a lot alone.  But I have discovered recently that perhaps spending so much time alone is a protective mechanism against letting people in; a way to keep myself isolated and confined to this schedule I have created and become comfortable with, the planned life I lead (and enjoy).  I have been spending more time with a friend who doesn’t plan as much, who is a freer spirit (than me), who has learned (or at least is perceived to have learned) the art of “letting go” or “un-clutching”.  I see this also in another friend who can really fly by the seat of her pants, just pick up and go-even with 3 kids- what I see is that I can learn to let go.  More specifically, I can learn to let go of control.  ?!$&*@!  WHAT?!?!?

yeah, this is gonna be hard, but I am looking forward to the change and maybe it won’t be as hard as I think it will be.  Besides, I can change the tone of the story, I WILL change the tone, the expectation.  This won’t be hard at all, this will be enlightening!!  I can already see that the small things I have learned to let go of (emphasis on the word small) have already impacted my sense of well-being and calm in a beautiful way.  As I learn to let go and bring more calmness to my life, I can be open to receive the things I WANT (see a pattern here ;0, those manifestations are making a come back- full circle baby!)  As I create more clarity, I can speak clearly my desires to myself and to others with confidence and without apologies.

I know in my heart that 2014 will be a WONDERFUL year and I am SO looking forward to spending it with all of you I hold so dear and love so much.  All great things are coming!  May you celebrate in the way that serves you this year-end and meet your new year feeling REAL good about your life!

 

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open eyes.

The last couple weeks have been full.  I traveled to Austin (my first trip there-and it was COLD) for a weekend yoga workshop; met my friend there who has moved from STL to FL; and connected (albeit briefly) with another friend who has lived in Austin for 11 years now.  That’s crazy! (Time really does fly and as we get older and more life changes happen, it seems to go even faster, if that is possible).

Austin is such an amazing city.  Everything there is literally SO CUTE! The buildings, the restaurants, all the people who live there, ALL CUTE! I enjoyed lots of yummy food and the best raw vegan reuben EVER! I would travel back just for that alone.   And I cannot forget to mention the outrageously amazing Whole Foods, complete with a BAR in the middle of the vast store that has everything you need to spend all day there.  Did I mention the bar?!

The yoga was fantastic (although, my friend may beg to differ ;-). Fantastic AND hard. Long holds, pranic movement, deep poses and beautiful chants and stories to start off every class.  I Love diving into a weekend of 10-12 hour yoga weekends and coming out transformed or even just on the edge of a new discovery or transformation.

2 days after Austin, I traveled north to Minneapolis, my baby brother is graduating from music school there and it was his recital on Tuesday night.  Talk about COLD….it was -7 degrees.  Bone chilling cold, yet there were still bicyclists out on the roads equipped with their snow tires and all but their eyes covered up to stay warm.   Tony (my brother) plays guitar. Many different types of guitar and he played 3 solo pieces and 4 songs with his band. It was awesome to see him play (again) and truly an accomplishment for him to fulfill his dream.  It was a treat for my parents and I, his friends and girlfriend with her family and friends there to support him,  I know it meant a lot to him, as well as to us.  He has a program inside which listed his songs he chose to play and a thank you written to our parents, myself, our sister, our other brother and to his girlfriend.  They were all sweet to read and being the sentimental peeps we are, mom and I cried (of course) and it was mostly over the sweet words of love he wrote to his girlfriend, which included (but not limited to) how he was sure if she was not in his life that none of what he accomplished would be possible and how she makes him a better person.  What girl doesn’t want to hear that ?!  It’s simple but it means so much.  Such love.

From deep sentimental love we move into a block of disappointment with a side of shock and awe.  Aside from a select few, my brother included, most men as of late are really a huge disappointment.   And I know I am not the only woman who would say this, but I might be one of only a few who would say it out loud.  And I’m not going to apologize for it either.

Story number 1: I am sitting in the airport (Minneapolis, by the way, has one of he coolest most modern airports ever) and decide to kill some time catching up on my match profile and seeing what potential new dudes await my selection.  To my surprise there is one in particular that catches my eye.  We share a love of recycling-you all know how passionate I am about recycling. He is my age. He is attractive, active and has written a good profile on himself. I email him. He emails me back almost immediately, thanks me for the email rather than a wink. (a somewhat silly and kind of sly option on match, if you ask me) he writes also that he wants to be upfront, as it isn’t written in his profile, that he is looking for a  d/s as in bdsm type of relationship.  That he is something like 30 shades of Jay and if I was still interested, let him know.  Ok. I’m reading this over and over, trying to decipher what he is talking about and if he had a typo or something as I am tired and did not read 50 shades of Gray- I take to google.  Ah. He is into dominant/submissive sexually deviant behavior.   WHAT?! how is this seemingly “normal”, good-looking dude, suddenly not so normal?  A testament to the saying “never judge a book by its cover”.  I write back, thanking him for the heads up and telling him that’s not really up my alley-so to speak.  He says “understandable”.  I immediately call my friend to see if I am out of touch with reality and/or a prude for not being into this d/s behavior and make her day with laughter and disbelief at the same time.  End story number 1.

Story #2.  Glenn, a guy I have seen once and has proceeded to ask me out again-in a text message-who I kinda had a feeling about from the beginning a small red flag, if you will; we are set to meet today for lunch.  He sends me a text with the location and name. I’m happy; address is attached, his small action shows a bit of initiative and planning.  SO I thought.  As I am making my way down there today, he calls me (I am about 5 min behind, which never happens) and says he didn’t think about the Rams game so the parking is already a little hard to come by.  I find a place not too far and as I walk toward the restaurant, I see him walking around outside the restaurant.  I am thinking ‘it is closed’. I am annoyed. I’m on my cycle, not hungry and now annoyed that he didn’t really plan as effectively as I thought he might have.  I walk up and sure enough, the place is closed.  He’s like “yeah, they have really weird hours on Sunday, they don’t open til 4.”  Me=more annoyed and disappointed. In his lack of thought and effort into the date.  He then says, I have a huge favor to ask.  I’m like-is he gonna ask me to pay for lunch (not a huge deal, really, but a cherry atop the already annoying Sunday, that would be).  He says “I went out with my little brother last night and got totally obliterated (little red flag shows itself) and I forgot my wallet, do you mind if we stop  by my apt and get it?”  UUUUUGGGGHHHHH  I have cramps.  I am tired and I am SO over this guy.  (I mean, did you NOT just call me about 10 minutes ago? Could you not tell me then that the place was closed AND that you forgot your wallet?!) I say , OK.  As we walk through tail-gaiters, I begin to hear the loud voice of reason saying: “leave. Stop. You are not going to enjoy this. Go Home.”  There was really no way I could rally at this point. I stopped and said “ya know what, I am gonna go. I’m not in the right place for this right now and I’m just gonna go.”  He’s like “are you sure?, where did you park? I can walk you to your car?”  Nope.  No need. I’m good.  You are 41, you can call me if you grow up.  End scene.

In other news, there are 3 dates coming up this week, 1 of which I am looking real forward to.  He and I appear have a lot to talk about (on paper), including our trips to Greece AND Breaking Bad;-0.  One is meeting me at PuraVegan next weekend, I like THAT.  The other has taken control and made plans for Pastaria next weekend. I like THAT, too.  All in all, things are looking good and at the very least, I should have some good stories to share.

Christmas is coming and all I ask for is a little effort and thoughtfulness, men. (and ok, maybe ladies too, but I don’t date ladies, so if you do and you have a beef, write your own blog! haha 😉  I mean, is it SO hard to make a phone call? Especially AFTER you have her number,  mutual interest and for lack of a better word, “permission” to call her?  I speak for myself and for my single lady friends who are in the same single boat; we aren’t asking for the moon.  A little chivalry goes a LONG way and it makes us even more interested in you.  It makes us feel sexier, it makes us WANT you more. I’m telling you, it is EASY- just put forth a little effort and reap the rewards.

Feliz Navidad.

 

 

Daring Greatly

So, I’m reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  I was inspired to do so after my weekend yoga workshop with Amy Ippoliti in Chicago the first weekend in November.  When Amy opened her classes, she did so by referring to this book and in particular she spoke to the idea of vulnerability; how vulnerability enables courage,  how vulnerability is not weakness.  Brene writes “vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both.  It’s being all in”.   Being “all in” can be scary and that is apparently “normal”.  Most of us engage in many protective mechanisms to shield ourselves from being vulnerable.   Makes sense.  Being vulnerable means letting people in to see the REAL you.  ALL of you.  It means taking risks, making choices that allow you to “step into the arena” and BE SEEN.

This resonates with me specifically when it comes to dating, well any relationship really.  And it resonates with me when I am practicing yoga on my mat.

Dating: recently I found myself in a situation that allowed me to see my vulnerability and rather than cower and hide from it or protect myself from it with shame, I made a choice to be courageous.  I recognized my desire and need to “go have that conversation you’re dreading. be elegant and vulnerable. the world needs you to do it.”  (from Elena Brower via FB)   Unfortunately, I have yet to have this conversation.  You have to have two willing people for a conversation and so far it’s just the one.  Me.  But in the event that conversation doesn’t happen with the person it needs to happen with right now, I know that I CAN and WILL be able to walk into the face of fear, be vulnerable AND courageous and be seen.  And I CANNOT WAIT!

On the mat: There are so many gifted teachers of yoga here in St. Louis and I feel so fortunate to have practiced and learned from many of them.  When I practice on the mat in a group setting, I am surrounded by inspiring, strong, gifted practitioners.  IT can be easy to fall into a competition on the mat; To see someone in a pose and want to look like what they look like doing it.  I know I can’t. No one can. We all LOOK different. That’s the beauty of being our own unique self.  I love a practice where I can come to my mat, be absorbed by the energy and love around me and know that I am strong in my own abilities.  That I can be strong and still soften on the inside.  Most of the time, for me anyway, the softness is how I can get deeper; deeper in the pose and deeper in my relationship with myself and others.

And that my friends applies to life on and off the mat for me.  Softer is not weaker.  Softer is being vulnerable.  Being Vulnerable is being courageous.

Until next time, I hope you find your strength in being vulnerable.

love.