breathe in and breathe out.

I don’t really know where to start this blog, I just feel I have to write.

In the past couple weeks a lot has gone on, from dating to yoga stories being shared with me by my students; from making new friends and practicing doing “the opposite”; to the observations that a death can bring; it sure has been a ride.

So, let’s start with the light heart-ed: Back to the dating board 101. I had two really good dates last week and by really good I mean I really enjoyed our conversations and was pleasantly surprised by how much I allowed myself to let go of expectations that might have interfered in the past. Well, I guess I am not TOO surprised….I did initiate an edict of doing the opposite, so where I might have been inclined to stick with the familiar and comfortable, I am deciding to do the opposite of that, especially with dating. I mean, why not really?  And so back to the guys, both are very left brained; one is a financial analyst and the other is a computer software programmer. I loved the conversations we had, both men were very smart and used such big words that from time to time I doubted my own smartness!! Both dates were refreshing and I am set to go out with Mr. Finance for brunch Sunday and Mr. Software will be on vaca, so when he gets back, we will reconnect.  A good start back in, if I do say so myself.

Jumping in to the yoga story….I teach a class at a local fitness “club”. Most of the ladies in this class are older and have had more passive teachers than me. It makes me so proud to see their Down Dogs progressing and to see them listening to me!! 🙂 One of my students had a rough day last week in class, and I can relate; sometimes the real shit we are dealing with (ok, always!!) shows up on our mat and we are left to work through it whether we want to or not because- THERE IT IS!! She had a minor break down in attempting to come to the top of her head in the prepping for upward facing bow… this was our “peak” if you will, for this class, that day. Well, she broke down and cried and said “I can’t do this!” I was in the middle of teaching and I knew I needed to acknowledge her, but I also knew (being in that place myself on my mat), that she might just need a little time to process. So, I see her take herself to the wall and retry the pose. She reaches some sort of personal success for herself and is  momentarily satisfied. As we drop into Savasana, I see her still shaken up from not being able to do what she had originally wanted to do. This is the time to give her personal attention and so I go to her and give her a little savasana love; some gentle hands on attention to help her release into rest. After class she told me a story about how when she was younger, living in Germany, she had just finished a dive into the pool and was coming up from the depth in the water and another swimmer dove onto her back! She said that no one helped her and she pulled herself to the side of the pool and lied on the ground for 2 hours. She never went to the hospital, she said “I don’t know why I’m still here”. It was so powerful and her honesty about her fear, so palpable. It was truly amazing that she chose to share that story with me that day and it took me back to my training days, when my teacher told me that people will come up to you and thank you for things that you had no idea were going on with them.  I am so proud of her for conquering her fears and I am so proud to be one of her teachers.

In the ‘making new friends” department, I was privileged to be invited to be part of a small group of women and connect through some good food and good conversation. Upon first thoughts, I was inclined to revert back to “old” habits and retreat into my home and not put myself out there to a new person or let myself get to know others better and them to know me. I enacted my OPPOSITE regimen and went even farther by making homemade hibiscus tea and a delicious peach blueberry gallette to share! Even though I had to leave the party early, I had so much fun practicing getting out of my habits and letting myself relax a little into a situation that sometimes causes me anxiety and/or fear. I am so grateful I chose to do the opposite:)

Lastly and sadly, I spent a portion of my morning supporting a friend who recently lost her brother to his battle with cancer. It was really important to me to show  her how much I care for her and have thought so much of her and her family all throughout the journey of this battle, by being there. It was so hard, and so bittersweet. I have a whole new appreciation for seeing life, seeing the living. I think it occurred to me for the first time today, or maybe i was just open and aware enough to see it for the first time; to see a body without the spirit, without the soul. We stand by this body who no longer has an inhabitant and we mourn for the loss of the soul and spirit and life and love that was once in this body, it seems so surreal being that the body is right there but the soul is not. It is so hard to lose a loved one in any capacity, in any situation; but it is true that it is so much sadder when the circumstances seem so wrong, so unfair and untimely.

I send all love to her and her family and to all beings everywhere that are enduring the pain of a loss.

Life is incredibly short, people. It might be time for us all to take a look at how we can do “the opposite” 🙂

peace and love

lena

 

Everything is growing up yoga….

Or maybe I’m just growing up?!

I  spent the week in Coronado, CA for work. Don’t get too jealous, every day we spent 10 hours inside, and not just inside, but inside very cold rooms with people talking at us all day. It’s so not as much fun as if you would let me outside to play!! I know corporations think it’s a stellar idea to ship all their sales people to some wonderful place, but what I don’t understand is why?! Especially when all my hopes and dreams were shattered when on the last night there was NOT a giant catamaran waiting for us to have dinner on the water. (I did find out today from the meeting coordinator that there wasn’t enough money in the budget, so that appeased me a bit. Apparently, it was also not in the budget to stay at Hotel Del Coronado. My suggestion?? Maybe you shouldn’t have spent (wasted) millions of dollars on a ponzy sales model scheme! But, no one asked me;)

Other than the obvious working around and networking within my new work environment, I was feeling all sorts of emotions this week. Some of which triggered me to think back to when I might have reacted differently. For instance, I was surrounded by people (we are a small division of 150 sales peeps) who are really successful at this company; within my own region, there are 3 people who are in the “double bonus” category, that means they make some big $$$$ identifying the right patients to go on our therapy. I found myself feeling really happy for them and sharing in their joy. I also feel like I am behind (um, I’ve only been in the territory for 30days, but come on!!;)) Seriously though, I’m so happy and proud of them and the awareness of those feelings took me back to a time, an age perhaps, when I might have been more likely to feel spite or jealously towards them. It’s so much more fun to feel happy for them. 🙂 Getting older and wiser isn’t so bad;)

I also got news that a friend who has been wanting something so bad for herself and has been taking action to get it,  was pleasantly surprised by the universe gifting it to her when she least expected it! How cool is that?! Again, a beautiful reminder that all things happen for us, all is provided and all turns out just as it should. I am beyond happy for her! ❤

In a way that occasion took me back to a little part of me that felt disappointed in the passing of my most recent relationship, this happy event for her momentarily brough me a brief moment of sadness (maybe a little panic, too), I wondered “will this ever happen for me?!?!??” Ahhh, little grasshopper, of course it will. In the meantime, I enjoy the gifts of my present life and celebrate the gifts of others. Again, I remember a time when I might have been resentful of another person’s gifts and again, I can’t imagine feeling that way now. How awesome is that? I love growing up. Growing up yoga?;)

So, as my people-packed week of running around to the beat of someone else’s schedule came to an end, I rejoiced with a wonderful walk along the beach on the Bay of Coronado, practiced some yoga and started to write this little diddy. Oh! And finished my book on the plane! (I’ve been loving me some good books lately:)

I suppose I did learn a few things and I’m looking forward to putting them to good use in the field on Monday…..I also learned a few more things about myself outside of work and that’s always a big plus. Who says growing up has to be boring?!

I’m excited to get back the my routine and my bubba-roo. I’m going to miss that awesome CA air and sunshine! But I’m not gonna miss being stuck inside a frigid hotel room with lots of people taking at me from a microphone.

Cheers to the weekend and LOTS of time to unwind, yoga, and celebrate all the gifts life has to offer:)

peace and love.

lena

Sweet endings…

…don’t (or haven’t) happened to me in the ways of relationships, but this one has paused or ended sweetly and here’s the story: Some of you who read this and also read my FB posts, may recognize him and may also affectionately refer to him as “the 6 date guy”. We went much past 6 dates, so I will call him (for privacy purposes) Mr. Multiple Dates:) Without divulging a lot of his personal business, I can safely tell you that his dad is very sick, has been sick a while and lately has gone down hill. The stress and emotional burden that Mr. Multiple (M for short from here on out:)) is experiencing is a lot and he simply doesn’t have enough emotional energy to share with me, let alone himself. I found myself at first, being very frustrated that we hadn’t seen each other in a little while (both of us had a stint out of town or country during June). We were communicating but I could feel that I wasn’t a priority and I feel like a dick saying that, all things considered, but it is/was the actuality and really, a good reason. I’ve been on the receiving end of not being a priority for NO GOOD reason and so, I can tell the difference. I let things kind of settle for bit and then I finally (after days of meditation and some good advice) got to asking for what I wanted, or communicating what I was missing. It was simple, “I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time right now, I don’t know how to help and I don’t know if you want or need my support. I’m feeling disconnected from you.”  Mr M: “Hi. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little disconnected from everything. I feel absolutely terrible for my parents and it’s really hard seeing my Dad in such bad shape…..Additionally, I am also obviously struggling with dating. I don’t feel like I am in a position to offer what you need and deserve and it bothers me a lot. you’re a pretty fantastic girl and I’m letting you down tremendously. It sucks, but I don’t know what I can do about it….”  ending that he feels he would  be boring me with his problems and really in his head, just thinks he is being selfish. SO, that’s the sweetness I was speaking of. Not only sweet, but honest. Rare, that is. 🙂  I told him I felt like a dick for even saying something and he’s like: You’re not a dick, you’re super freaking nice!:-0 hahaha anyway, that’s where we are. I feel so sad for him and I feel disappointed for myself in that the image/idea/thoughts I had about the future of the relationship had gone up in light smoke. I think of him often and find myself wanting to share a funny or uneventful story with him, because I could and did, a lot. I miss that. We still keep in touch a bit, I just heard from him yesterday.

 And as much as it pains me to say it, there’s the looming thoughts of my age, my relationship and motherhood status (well, lack there-of) that come up to haunt me in times of loss.  It’s not fun to sometimes face those realities. I can only say that along with the feeling of loom,  are the positive facts that I DO have a full life, that I AM enough and that I am really working on TRUSTing that the universe will provide. In this case, trusting that it will provide me with the love that I am deserving of; But that doesn’t mean I can’t still have a bad day.

So, back to the dating drawing board, which right now feels like a bumpy road. I will say that I am grateful for speaking up! It was a pattern that had gone around long enough for me and although the circumstances sucked, it had to be practiced. Now I can move forward with less fear of asking for what I want and deserve. It doesn’t hurt that those feelings were validated by My Mr. M., even though I know I don’t NEED them to be. (still helps;0)

I always say: Ask and you shall receive! But be prepared: what you might ask for may not arrive as you might have imagined:) Peace and love.