This is my brain on PMS….

I spend a lot of time in my car for my job, so therefore I have a lot of thoughts that travel through my head. On a daily basis I am listening to my favorite talk radio person, but he has been on vacation :-/, so I am left to channel surfing on my Sirius Satellite Radio….and it’s as bad as a dude with a remote control;0! On my way home Friday from a one day work meeting in Indianapolis, I was enjoying some comedy stations and on Raw Dog I heard “dick in a box”; I sang along, laughing and enjoying the tune, visualizing the funny sketch from TV….and then I think to myself: I wonder if JT pulls out a box at home and plays out this skit for Jessica? I mean, it seems like it could be in the realm of a real life situation that could play out…..anyway, I wonder.

Take a big step from random fantasy thoughts to real life planting seeds for the new moon.  The new moon occurred last Monday and as I scrolled mindlessly through the news feed on Facebook (more on that later), I read a post from the dear Kino MacGregor. The simplicity in her words that related to the new moon and some actions around how to honor it and yourself I connected to, and I found myself actively participating in some journal time to reflect on the month that had passed and wrote down and meditated on the seeds I wanted to plant for this month. Reflecting on what I accomplished in the past month and seeing what I want to make happen for this month cleared space and helped me to put actions behind my thoughts; I created intentions and have seen parts of them come to life. I have found myself more able to say no to things and people without feeling like I am obligated to give them more chances if I’m not feeling it (dead-end relationships, for example). I see myself trusting more, not only outside of myself, but within myself. I continue to make space for growth for myself and to get that, I have to let go of things that are not serving me. I have shed some baggage in the dude (haha, I almost wrote “dud”) department and that helps bring the right man in! (Trust). I have always read and felt like I wanted to so something bigger for myself around the new moon, but for some reason, THIS month it happened and so far, I can totally feel the difference in my state of mind, my energy body and my emotional state. I think this will become a new productive habit for me:)

Adding to new and productive habits, I have been very conscious of my mindless time scrolling in the FB aisles of life. I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to take a FB break, spurred by over stimulation from seeing A LOT of posts about one topic, combine that with the media’s inundation of coverage created a recipe of negativity for me and a feeling of being overwhelmed, helpless. I am also not one to have an electronic debate with anyone, so for me,  it can be frustrating to want to post a comment, offer support, read people’s perspectives, but I would much rather have a live conversation. So, I successfully stayed completely off FB for 24 hours!! (hahahaha- seriously, but there’s more;) And as a result, I started to break my habit of turning to my phone to see the latest and greatest happenings were when I was sitting in between calls, or watching some silly TV show, where I wasn’t engaged in either activity fully. I have noticed that the more time I spend NOT scrolling through “news”feed, I am more present in WHAT EVER I am doing; sitting in my house with myself, watching 30 minutes of news, waiting in line, sitting while I wait for a meal or a person to meet. I am, and can be very comfortable without having my security blanket phone and the internet lives to look at, plus it leads to really random thoughts like the one above:) I find that I am less scattered when talking to people face to face, I am not so worried about the elaborate and possibly exaggerated lives on FB AND I am less inclined to feel bad about myself when I read posts about how awesome someone’s something was that I may or may not have missed out on, and on and on and on. I get that it’s an outlet and I am not making judgments on how anyone uses FB; I mean, I’m posting this blog here in hopes to reach more people to read it!! Anyway, I can only do what makes me feel good, and spending less time on my device and more time in conscious presence with myself and with others is making me REAL happy, so I will continue to practice THAT habit:)

Peace, Love and happy habit-forming to you all ❤

 

 

 

“it will happen when you least expect it”….

It dawned on me last night on my date, that yes, it WILL happen when you least expect it and it hasn’t happened yet. Turns out Mom does know what she’s talking about:). I feel like every date teaches me something more about me, reaffirming what I want and don’t want, about how I see the “ideal” relationship and just how dynamic and complex we humans can be.

I’m sure I have an idea of what my love looks like to me and when I say ‘looks like’ I am not talking about the physicality of the person that I will be with, that has long ago been dissolved. I am talking about what the relationship itself looks like, how it will feel and how I (have always heard) will know it when it happens. So, I date. I date for the experience of human contact, I date for the company of strangers, I date to see what is out there and if one of these dates will become my one and only. I mean, let’s be real here people, as much as I would like for my ideal man (flaws and all) to knock on my door and say “Hi. I am the love of your life, let’s go out and get to know each other”. That simply is not going to happen and so again, I date; I seek in hoping to find.

And so far…..I have found some maybes, a couple yes’s and a whole lot of no’s.

I went out for my third date last night with Mr. Spain. I like him. We have a good time in each other’s company and we share some commonalities that for the most part, make our conversations easy and interesting. After our second date I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t kiss me, and for anyone who knows me well, this is a BIG deal; I am usually the one fearing that! SO, last night he did and it was less than I was expecting, well maybe not expecting, but the intensity I thought I would feel, I didn’t. He is very sweet and very expressive, he proceeded to hold my hand and hands, tell me he loved my nose, and kept sneaking little pecks at the bar. I was feeling overwhelmed by his attention. I don’t really care what this sounds like to those that don’t know me or even for those who do, pass judgment if you will, but I know what I am talking about and how it felt and if you have ever felt similar, you might understand that although I like him and am happy to have a man who obviously likes me, the affection that was given felt disproportionate to the amount of time we have had together and his emotions seem stronger than mine at this/that moment. I’m not going to jump ship per-say, but I am re-evaluating how to proceed. He voiced that he is ready to not see anyone else and be with just me, I am not on the same page. I like him, yes, but I don’t feel the same about only dating him at this time and again, I feel a little off balance with my feelings compared to his. And all this makes me feel bad, I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

So, here i sit on my Sunday afternoon carrying the load of a conversation in my head that hasn’t happened yet with a heavy spirit and a hopeful heart.

My new mantra (for weeks now) is: Everything is going to work out just fine. I know that it will and I have experienced it happening in other areas of my life, it is in this area that I just wish sometimes it would speed up! Which brings me back full circle: It will happen when you least expect it! So, time for a potential break from dating in general, and at the very least detaching from the idea that every date just might be my potential life mate. It’s time to try and learn how to enjoy “just dating”, ( not attaching them to an outcome) which is so much easier said than done, especially when you are someone who likes the idea of couple-hood.

Peace and Love