“the loneliness is palpable”

For my Sex and The City friends, remember the episode where Carrie says this? If I recall correctly, it’s the one where she is at her book release party and talking to Charlotte at the bar and just after she says it, Berger walks in to the party. I felt like this yesterday, not the having a book party and all that, but I did feel so lonely. I have a full life with work, teaching, friends, doggie, dates and all the other stuff that comes with being a human today, but yesterday was hard; I did what I would normally do: practice yoga, teach pilates, dance a little nia in between and after my class I needed to run by a friend’s boutique, go to the Trader Joe’s and get Maddie’s snacks and Home Depot for a hose holder….and it was all dragging me down.

I want to be at the Home Depot and Trader Joe’s with my lover, my man. (Whom is out there SOMEWHERE, I just KNOW it and DYING to go to the Home Depot with me:) hahaha) Sometimes, I get all nostalgic when I am at Home Depot, seeing couple and or families out running their errands together, working on home projects together; I know it’s not all sugar pops and Tootsie rolls, but in the moments when you are feeling alone, it can look like it. I am tired of doing most things by (with) myself! I have things I need to do at the house, like program my exterior garage opener, yet I don’t want to do it alone and I feel bad asking for help. My neighbor usually helps me, but sometimes I don’t want to ask him, and I think sometimes he doesn’t want to help; so then begins the circle of thoughts in my head that no one really wants to help, so I won’t ask. Besides, I can do it myself. (But I don’t WANT TO) For the most part, I am self-sufficient. I can handle most shit on my own and most times, I prefer to. But yesterday, a day I was looking forward to spending with myself after a long week of a lot of activity, I found that being alone was not what I wanted or needed. I wanted company. I wanted to be with someone. I am ready to be spending my alone time (ok, not ALL of it) WITH someone else!!

IT’s not all partner related, Even FB makes me feel bad and lonely; seeing people out having fun (glorified or not), commenting on stuff and all that jazz makes me feel not only lonely, but unwanted, uninvited. (clearly, this is my own stuff, but I am writing for release-hence why I HAVE to keep my FB time to a MINIMUM) If we are headed toward a world of online communication and recognition and support, I am DOOMED!! I don’t have the time but mostly, I don’t have to DESIRE to be sitting behind my laptop screen or phone screen commenting my ass off, when I could just BE with the person or people I would like to comment WITH. And it’s SO HARD to SEE people, because everyone is SO DAMN BUSY all the time! I remember a picture posted a while ago that I shared, “stop the glorification of BUSY”.  I am guilty, too. I sometimes use “busy” as an excuse NOT to see someone, like a date I’m not really interested in making time for rather than telling him I’m not interested, I pile up the excuses-I am actively in the learning of this lesson.

And then there’s ‘feeling part of a community’, which I do and don’t simultaneously. Yoga for instance, I love it. I love where I teach and I love the people I get to know through teaching, yet I have changed in the way that I practice. Where I once was a person who was ALWAYS in a class, I am now a person who is rarely in a class, I practice at home-A LOT; I remember when I was just a naive little yogi (;0) and I heard people talk about a “home practice”, I brushed it off and was like, “why would I need THAT?!, I have all these classes I can go to” And I Still do. I am still fascinated by and appreciative of all the wonderful yoga teachers here in STL that I have had the privilege of taking classes from, learning from and being inspired by; however, I have learned the power of my own home practice and how it feeds me in a way that no class can. But practicing at home can leave me feeling “left out” of the community that I love. I know (I think!), that I am not left out, but again, when I don’t practice with a said group at a said time, I am obviously not PART of it, because I am not there. And I know I can change it by starting to GO, but will I be received? Will I be forcing myself to fit in? Will I be rejected? Do these people not like me? it’s kinda like dating, I guess, for me anyway. Lots of little insecurities coming out this week (among other emotions, I think I am seeing and experiencing the chart reading I had last week come to fruition).

At the start (well, I’ve been up a while, so not the literal start:) of this glorious Sunday, with the sun shining brightly on me and all of us in a cloudless, blue sky, I send blessings of light and love and a wish for us all to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.