is this the life you have created?

I have been hitting the dating world pretty actively (again) lately. I have had some good dates that turned into more than one good date; I have had some that turn into more than one then end at 4, one good one that ended after 2 and some that never make it past number 1. I have rejected someone, I have been rejected. I have had long, drawn out text conversations with some that have led to a date and others that have been shut down (by me) because it was going nowhere. I have been out with way too many men (ok, just a few, but it felt like 10!) who had NO IDEA how to converse WITH me and were ALL too eager to tell me more about THEM than anyone needs or wants to know on a first date…in other words, men who really, REALLY liked themselves and had no interest in being on a date with someone other than themselves. All of these efforts are (ideally) to lead me to someone I can jive with for a lifetime, or at least more than 4 dates. And all of these experiences have taught, and will continue to teach me about myself; how I communicate, what I truly and deeply want, what I can do better and some remind me of how I deserve so much better.

I wrote about one of my yoga students a couple of blogs ago, she came up to me after class and thanked me for something and we began talking about Greece, marriage, love and life in general. One thing she said (and I’ll be paraphrasing) has stuck with me and is creeping up to the front of my consciousness these days and it goes something like this: “this is the life you have chosen, OWN IT! Own your choices and Live them with no apologies!” Basically, in the words of Samantha: “grab 35 by the balls and say HEY WORLD I’m 35!” (I’m not, but you get where I am going with this). As I was walking today, I kept coming back to the above notions, I even thought to myself: ‘if this is all there is, would it be so bad?’ I mean, I lead a pretty blessed and fortunate life and outside of one little (but very necessary and much-needed satisfaction) that needs to be filled(those of you closest to me, know what I’m talking about;0)….I am not lacking. I have everything I need and can attain anything that I want. Perhaps, I AM placing more effort than required in this category of my life out of fear of being alone? So what if I am?! IT’s true, there is definitely a part of me that worries that even though all is well and good, IS THAT ALL THERE IS?! (SATC season 6;0) And what if it is? And what if it isn’t? I guess all I can do is keep doing what is working for me, keep diving into the parts of myself that might be holding on to residue, keep manifesting abundance, keep BELIEVING and TRUSTING (even when it is SO HARD), and keep reaching for the stars! (HAHAHA ala Casey Kasem)

I had a dream this week, very vividly making space in my refrigerator. I know that this means I need to make space in myself and my life to receive the gifts that await me. On the dating side of life, I have already begun weeding out those men who are energy sucking with no end or meeting in site. It’s like spring cleaning – early! OH! and I am taking an online leave of absence starting tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to it, although I may change my tune sooner rather than later-I wonder what I’ll do when I don’t have 3-5 men lined up to meet? (maybe take some more deep breaths??:) It’s been a year and I have had 2 decent relationships that stemmed from being on there, I have met some doozies in good ways and bad and I have learned a helluva lot about myself in and out of relationships.

I’m looking forward to owning this life as I have created it so far and to the universe in providing me with what I want and deserve when I likely least expect it;0

Peace, love and yoga

lena