In my last post I touched briefly on how I have chosen the wrong kind of man for me for a good 20 years. (WAH!?! That is so much more jaw dropping and shocking in writing than it is in my head!!) And I revealed that I am working with a love coach to help me MANifest what I *truly* desire and deserve; two things I really didn’t give much weight, well, any weight to in my past relationships; Which was clearly indicated by the men I chose to give myself to. I guess I should have known something was a little off by how I usually wanted to change them or change the relationship with them rather than realizing I deserved and wanted more and ending it for myself. Instead, I was ruled by fear. Fear of losing the guy (which in most cases, I didn’t really have him in the first place, fear of being without (because being in a shitty relationship had to be better than being alone!) fear of not knowing what to do when I chose to leave. So, here I have ended up, 20 years later. A completely different woman than I was at 19 AND even just a week ago! A woman who has ditched a helluva lot of fear, crossing over to the side of TRUST and BELIEF in LOVE, in what I DESERVE and what I DESIRE, with NO DOUBT that my even BETTER than AMAZING man is making his way to me NOW!! And to get to this wonderful space, my work with my love coach not going unnoticed, there are some men, those who were most significant in me awakening to my highest good, that I want to say a BIG FAT THANK YOU to.
Paul*, ahhhh I thought I wanted you SO bad. I thought I was going to change you. I thought we could build a family out of the mess you had made your life. I was in the stage of my life for “fixing”. I could make it work! I could accept being treated poorly if you still showed me in some way that you needed me. I didn’t give myself much thought through the 7 on and off years we spent together; jumping in my car to drive 5 hours to you unannounced because deep down I knew something sketchy was going on with you, but I didn’t care, I had to be the one you chose. In the end you didn’t choose me, you chose another and at the time, I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen. I reacted, I was 26, that’s what you do at 26. I felt bad about myself, I thought I was the one who was wrong, I wasn’t “good enough” for you. Turns out I was WAY TOO good for you. And deep down I think you knew that, too. Thank you for NOT choosing me!! Thank you for treating me, at times, with such disrespect that I flinched.Thank you for seeing me driving in the street toward my home years later (by chance) and thinking it was OK to stop and say hello, thank you for that because THAT’s when I got it; that’s when I knew I didn’t need you or want you and that I was the one who won. I won ME!!
Rex*, I met you on a random night I took myself out to eat after teaching a pilates class at one of my favorite restaurants where I felt comfortable eating alone. (aka, with myself:) You started chatting me up, and it led to me giving you my number, after you asked for it and that led to us dating. At first it seemed pretty amazing, almost too good to be true, considering the men that I dated before you, it was definitely a step up in the dating department. I experienced things with you I thought weren’t possible for me, cooking dinner together, grocery shopping together, just hanging out, kind words, cards sent on random days to express your romantic side. We didn’t date too long, and about 2 months in, maybe even a little less, things became much less fun and happy and much more miserable and sad. I was spending more time crying than smiling; which seemed a little off considering we probably should have been in what most people call “the honeymoon stage”. You started to pull back the layers of who you really were and not who you were trying to be. You would take things out on me that weren’t my fault and, in fact had nothing to do with me. You said one thing one day and changed your tune the next. For the FIRST time in my life, I ended a relationship. I left. I knew I had reached a point in which there was no making it better, that it was just not going to get better and maybe it never was anything close to being good! Thank you for showing me who you REALLY were early enough for me not to get in too deep. Thank you for somewhat persistently trying to get me back, that was the opportunity I had to TRUST myself, trust my gut. I knew I didn’t want what you were offering and I knew being miserable in a relationship was NOT OK and that was just not an option for me. Thank you for finally going away and leaving me be.
Dale*, Awwwww man, I was enticed by your photos, your smile, what and how you wrote about yourself in your Match profile. You made me tingle. You made me excited for the possibilities of building a relationship with you. In writing, you had what I thought I was looking for, parts of what I wanted to have in a man. After some emailing, you finally asked me to meet you for a drink. I was excited and nervous. In person, you were a bit less than what your photos indicated you looked like, but that was ok. I enjoyed our interaction and still found you attractive. Cutting to the chase, we dated a while and you brought the chivalrous and romantic spark I never knew I wanted and enjoyed it so much. For the most part, our relationship was great, there were some times when we lacked in communication I desired when with someone, but as patterns go, I let it slide. For a bit. Needless to say this ended, kinda evaporated really. You went MIA due to work and when I heard from you again it was 10 days later….WTF?! In your mind, you thought it was ok, since you gave me a “heads up”. HA! Anyway, I thank you SO much for holding my hand in the car when we drove around town, I thank you for sweet kisses on a blanket in Forest Park, I thank you for opening my car door for me, always. And I thank you for finally revealing to me what you really wanted (not directly, but through your actions), so that I could see clearly that it wasn’t ok for me, it wasn’t going to work and I could leave this relationship, too. A little closer to being with the one I wanted.
Second to last, B*! Short and Sweet. Thank you for making me laugh so hard, I cried. Thank you for opening up right away about a family member who was sick and showing me your vulnerability in that moment, in that relationship. Things weren’t always rosy, there were remnants of Dale* tendencies that showed up in you, too. I had moments when I knew it wasn’t going to work. Thank you for distancing yourself from me SO MUCH, in a time in your life when all you needed (and all I was giving you) was support and a shoulder to lean on-turns out you didn’t want it, for your own reasons, but nonetheless; thank you for that, because pushing me away made it CRYSTAL clear that I absolutely desire a man who wants to LET ME IN. Who wants my support, who reaches to me in his times of need. Thank you.
Lastly, my dear Henry*. A flash in the relationship bucket, but you still count because our interaction has opened me up even more to receiving the man I am meant to be with. You had me at that smile. We made eye contact in line at a restaurant, before you know it, we were lunching together. You were hot. You were sexy. You were REAL, honest and just raw. Thank you for a great date night that turned into a couple of months of good old-fashioned fun. Thank you for always showing your true colors. Thank you for either not noticing or not appreciating my appreciation of you, for that shows me how important it is to me for my man to FEEL appreciated and let me know he appreciates me, too. Thank you for being a vessel for me to practice my vulnerability and openness with.
Thank you all, for without you, I wouldn’t be sitting in the knowledge and insight I am now. I wouldn’t be confident that there is EVEN MORE AND EVEN BETTER out there for me. I wouldn’t have grown and raised the expectations I have of MYSELF. I truly appreciate each and every one of you for the role you played in my life. I wish you all nothing but the best in life and in love. Should our paths ever cross, I will greet you with a bright, beaming smile and hopefully on some level, you will know and feel my appreciation for you.
*Names have been slightly modified to protect the not so innocent ;0